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Pumping Iron (1977)

Plot: Arnold is Arnold. This is a documentary about the world of bodybuilding. Also features Lou Ferrigno. Nothing was scripted so there aren't any true one-liners. The line below is pure Arnold.
Film: C+

Arnold: "Milk is for babies. MEN drink beer."


Conan the Barbarian (1982)

Plot: Arnold is Conan. Young Conan's family and village are destroyed by Thulsa Doom. Conan's mission in life is revenge. In my opinion, this is Arnold's finest film. A masterpiece all around. It doesn't really have any one-liners, but I included my two favorite lines from the film.
Film: A+
Trailer

Mongol General: "Conan, what is best in life?"
Conan: "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women!"

"Crom. I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought and why we died. No, all that matter's is that two stood against many. That's what is important. Battle pleases you Crom. Grant me one request, grant me REVENGE. And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!"


Conan the Destroyer (1984)

Plot: Arnold is Conan, again. This film does about everything wrong that the first one got so right. Conan is sent on a quest by the queen, with a couple other mostly annoying people, to find her daughter. "Comic" relief abounds in this film, ruining the series. I haven't watched it in a while so I only have the single one-liner.
Film: C-
Trailer

Jehnna: "I suppose nothing hurts you."
Conan: "Only pain."


The Terminator (1984)

Plot: Arnold is the Terminator. He is an unstoppable killing machine, sent back in time to prevent future events. His mission, to kill Sarah Conner and her unborn son, John, who will one day rise up and defeat the machines. This is a great film, one of Arnold's best. It's not really about the killing and one-liners, although this is where they started, including his most famous.
Film: A
One-liners: C
Trailer / Screenplay

1. Punk: "Nice night for a walk."
Terminator: "Nice night for a walk."
Punk 2: "Wash day tomorrow.. nothing clean right?"
Terminator: "Nothing clean... RIGHT."

2. [Loading shotgun in shop.]
Clerk: "You can't do that!"
Terminator: "WRONG." [BANG!]

3. Cop: "If you want to wait.. there's a bench over there."
[Arnold's 1st] Terminator: "I'll be BACK." Watch

4. Hotel Clerk: "Hey buddy.. ist that a dead cat in there.. or what?"
POSSIBLE RESPONSE:
YES / NO
OR WHAT?
GO AWAY
PLEASE COME BACK LATER
FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE
FUCK YOU

5. "GET OUT." Watch


Commando (1985)

Plot: Arnold is Col. John Matrix. Matrix to his friends and enemies. He is retired special forces, enjoying the good life. Until a ruthless dictator kidnaps his daughter, so he can blackmail Matrix into assassinating a South American president. Bad idea. Arnold doesn't say much in this film, but when he does it's usually a one-liner. My favorite one-liner film.
Film: C
One-liners: A
Trailer

1. Soldier: "You think I can smell em?"
Matrix:"I did."

2. Bad Guy: "Your going to co-operate... right?"
Matrix: "Wrong!"

3. "I'll be BACK, Bennet"

4. Stewardess: "Any carry on luggage?"
Matrix: "Just him."

5. [To stewardess] "Don't disturb my friend... he's DEAD tired."

6. Stewardess: "Sir, you must remain seated."
Matrix: "I'm air-sick."

7. [Before plane ride.]
Matrix:"Your a funny guy Sully, that's why I'm going to kill you last."
[Now holding Sully over cliff.]
Matrix: "Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last?"
Sully: "That's right, Matrix! You did!"
Matrix: "I LIED!"

8. Cindy:"Where's Sully?"
Matrix: "I let him go."

9. Cooke: "This Green Beret, is going to kick your Ass."
Matrix: "I eat Green Beret's for breakfast... and right now I'm VERY hungry."

10. Cooke: [Holding gun on Matrix] "Fuck you asshole!"
[CLICK]
Matrix:"Fuck YOU asshole!"

11. "We'll take Cooke's car... he WON'T be needing it."

12. Cindy: "Where are we going?"
Matrix: "Shopping!"

13. [After Cindy shoots police van with rocket launcher. (Sense?)]
"Where did YOU learn to do that?!"

14. Cindy: "This isn't a plane, this is a canoe with wings!"
Matrix: "Then get in and start paddling."

15. Cindy: "How will I know?"
Matrix: "Because all FUCKING Hell is going to break loose!"

16. "Como esta?!" [BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!]

17. Bennet: "How's your arm John?"
Matrix: "Come over and FIND out."

18. Bennet: "You're a dead man John!"
Matrix: "Bull..SHIT!"

19. [after throwing a pipe through him]
"Let off some STEAM, Bennett!"

20. General: "Leave anything for us?"
Matrix: "Just bodies."


Raw Deal (1986) Updated!

Plot: Arnold is former FBI man Mark Kaminski. He was kicked out of the Bureau for the rough treatment of a suspect. (Well deserved from the looks of it.) Somehow his going undercover and breaking up the mob, without any legal precedent, is going to get him back in. Kaminski is one sadistic bastard and kills every single member of the gang. The one-liners in this film are quite unimaginative.
Film: D
One-liners: C-
Trailer - #22

1. Cop: "You caught the bastard."
Kaminski: "In the ACT."

2. [Wife throws cake at him]
"You should not DRINK... and BAKE."

3. "Who do you think I look like... Dirty Harry?!"

4. [Harry talking about him getting back into the FBI]
"Do you think I'd still pass the PHYSICAL?"

5. [After trashing an illegal casino]
"You guys be sure to clean up the mess... before you knock off... okay."

6. Chauffeur: "You know who this car belongs to?"
Kaminski: "Yeah. A guy who's probably going to be dead before it's out of WARRANTY."

7. Girl getting into Limo: "What are you doing here?"
Kaminski: "Waiting for YOU!"

8. Monique: "Losing improves your character."
Kaminski: "Winning improves your WARDROBE."

9. "Max if your the best there is... the wheel never would have been invented."

10. "In case you forget... I'll be checking BACK with you."

11. Cop: "Any trouble?"
Kaminski: "Oh nothing special... all these alleys probably have RATS."

12. Mobster: "You start tomorrow."
Kaminski: "It's nice to be one of the FAMILY."

13. "You know what I like about bedrooms? You almost ALWAYS find a bed in there."

14. Max: "Get in my way again and I'll kill ya."
Kaminski: "I hope your not your mother's only child."

15. [After photo is taken]
Max: "I'll get you a nice 8 X 10."
Kaminski: "Keep it... I'm not sentimental."

16. [After beating up bad guys in store]
"We're finished SHOPPING."

17. "Myself... I'd rather GIVE than receive."

18. Monique: "I'm impressed"
Kaminski: "I'm HUNGRY."

19. "I'll be right BACK."

20. Monique: "Where are you going?"
Kaminski: "To do what an old friend asked me too... KNOCK em' dead."

21. "Because of you a lot of people are dead. Now it's YOUR turn."

22. Kaminski: "This must be what they mean... by poetic justice."

23. FBI: "Glad you didn't make me chase you."
Kaminski: "Too DAMN tired."


Predator (1987)

Plot: Arnold is Major Dutch Schaeffer. He's the leader of an elite group of commandos, who under the order of Carl Weathers (Yes!) go into the jungle to bring back some hostages. Things get out of hand when an extra-terrestrial hunter starts killing off these bad-asses one at a time. Arnold goes mano-a-mano with the Predator for the last 30 minutes of the film. They try to keep this film pretty serious, and keep his one-liners to a minimum, but the ones he does say are great.
Film: A-
One-liners: B
Screenplay

1. [Arm wrestling with Dillon]
"What's the matter?.. the CIA got you pushing to many PENCILS."

2. [After killing terrorist with knife]
"STICK around."

3. [Kicks down bamboo wall]
"Knock. Knock."

4. Anna: "It's blood was on the leaves."
Dutch: "If it BLEEDS... we can KILL it."

5. [Predator takes off his mask]
"You're one UGLY.. muthafucker!"

6. [Arnold "tries" to hit the Predator with a stick]
"BAD idea."

7. [To the dying Predator]
"What the HELL are you?!"


The Running Man (1987)

Plot: Arnold is Ben Richards aka The Butcher of Bakersfield, an innocent man imprisoned. Arnold grows a beard, and is in constant danger of losing his head. After breaking out, and shaving, Arnold is captured and forced onto the Japanese.. I mean futuristic, fascist government game show The Running Man. Arnold and his companions fight for their lives against a bunch of WWF rejects, wielding chainsaws and flame-throwers. The one-liners in this film are fast and furious, often falling flat.
Film: C-
One-liners: B
Trailer - #2, #13, #14, #26
Screenplay

1. Radio: "All rioters must be eliminated."
Ben: "To HELL with you!"

2. [Throwing prison guard over rail]
"Give ya' a LIFT."

3. [Referring to the fight they just had]
Laughlin: "Who was acting?"
Ben: "Well you're still ALIVE aren't you?"

4. "If you're not ready to act.. give me a break.. and SHUT UP."

5. Rebel: "Nothing to lose your head about... eh?"
Ben: "You GOT IT."

6. "I need to work on my TAN anyways... You get so PALE in prison."

7. Amber: "Why should I?"
Ben: "Cause I'm going to say.. PLEASE."
[Rips workout bench out of the floor]

8. [To Amber] "And remember I can break your neck like a CHICKEN'S."

9. "You can't live with EM'.. and you can't live with out EM'"

10. Amber: "I'm going to throw up all over you."
Ben: "Go ahead... won't show on this SHIRT."

11. Killian: I'd like you to appear on tomorrow broadcast of the Running Man."
Ben: "FUCK YOU."

12. [Stabbing pen into lawyer's back]
"Don't forget to send me a COPY."

13. Ben: "Killian... I'll be BACK."
Killian: "Only in a re-run." Watch

14. [Locked into hockey rink]
"I guess they want us to STAY."

15. [After killing him]
"Here is Sub Zero... now PLAIN Zero!"

16. Weiss: "Boy I'm SURE glad we got rid of Sub Zero."
Ben: "Yeah... he was a real pain in the NECK."

17. "Uplinks.. Underground.. If you guys don't shut up.. I'm going to UPLINK your ASS.. and you'll be on the GROUND!"

18. Amber: "They even think I'm your girlfriend."
Ben: "Well we can straighten THAT out.. see this camera up there.. I can STRANGLE you for the home AUDIENCE."

19. Buzzsaw: "I love this saw.. this saw's a part of me.. and I'm going to make it a part of YOU!"
Ben: "That's alright.. KEEP IT!"

20. [Yelling at Dynamo]
"Hey Light Head! Hey Christmas Tree!"

21. [Running from Dynamo]
"Follow me LIGHT BULB!"

22. Amber: "What happened to Buzzsaw?"
Ben: "Ahhh.. he had to SPLIT."

23. [To Killian]
"I live to see you eat that contract.. but I hope you save enough room for my FIST because I'm going to ram it into your GOD DAMN stomach and break your GOD DAMN SPINE!"

24. Amber: "We should have taken that trip to Hawaii."
Ben: "I had the shirt for it.. but YOU fucked it UP."

25. [Fireball shows up]
Amber: "Jesus Christ!"
Ben: "Guess AGAIN."

26. "How bout' a light?!" [Blows up Fireball]

27. [Seconds later] "What a HOT head."

28. "I told Killian I'd be back.. I wouldn't want to be a LIAR."

29. [Showing up on Running Man stage]
"It's SHOW-TIME!"

30. [To Killian] "One of us is in DEEP trouble."

31. Killian: "Drop dead!"
Ben: "I don't DO requests."

32! [Killian crashes into soda billboard]
"Well.. that HIT the spot."


Red Heat (1988) Updated!

Plot: Arnold is Russian cop Ivan Danko. He chases his arch enemy, the drug-dealing, cop-killing, just all around asshole, Viktor Rostavili, to America, Chicago to be exact. Once there he is partnered with James Belushi to chase this scum-bag down. Throughout the film, Arnold talks and acts like a robot. (Russian T-101?) I was really hoping to hear a one-liner in Russian, but no dice. Most of the films one-liners are left up to James Belushi.
Film: C
One-liners: C
Trailer - #1, #2, #13, #15

1. [seeing porn on TV] "CAPITALISM."

2. Lou: "How do you Soviets deal with all the stress?"
Danko: "VODKA."

3. Ridzik: "You're right about that chess move, I was dead in two."
Danko: "It was OBVIOUS."

4. Ridzik: "Do I look like a fucking CAB to you?"
Danko: "YES."

5. Ridzik: "It's called the Miranda act.. it says you can't even touch his ass."
Danko: "I do NOT want to touch his ass.. I want to make him TALK!"

6. [after interrogating and beating up suspect]
"Soviet method is more economical."

7. Ridzik: "You're shitting me?"
Danko: "I'm not Shitting on you."

8. Ridzik: That suit's not going to blow up on me?"
Danko: "I THINK you're safe."

9. Danko: "Do you know Miranda?"
Thug: "Never heard of the bitch!" [PUNCH]

10. Ridzik: "What about the sack of shit lying on the sidewalk?"
Danko: "He lives HERE."

11. Ridzik: "Politicians wouldn't go for it."
Danko: "Shoot THEM first."

12. Ridzik: "Everyone knows the 44 Magnum is the big boy on the block. Why do you think Dirty Harry uses one?"
Danko: "Who is Dirty Harry?"

13. [pointing gun at him] "You did NOT make it Viktor!"

14. Ridzik: "This is called chicken!"
Danko: "This is no GAME!"

15. [checking out his gun] "I TAKE care of THIS."

16. [after shooting Viktor with 44]
"I still like SOVIET model better."


Twins (1988)

Plot: Arnold is Julius Benedict, the poster child for test tube babies. He discovers that he has a twin brother, Danny Devito. The hilarity ensues as they track down their mother and get wrapped up in industrial espionage. Arnold and Devito have some good chemistry together which makes the movie fun and worth watching. The one-liners however, pretty much suck.
Film: C
One-liners: D
Trailer - #7

1. [Arnold accidentally takes guy out on motorcycle.]
Thug: "What the hell did you do to him?!" Julius: "I did nothing. The PAVEMENT was his enemy."

2. Julius: "My name is Julius and I'm your TWIN brother."
Vincent: "Oh obviously! The moment I sat down I though I was looking into a mirror."
Julius: "We're not identical twins."

3. [Stops Klane Brother from beating up Vincent]
"These are the most unfriendly acts you're committing."

4. [Dodges swung ax.]
"You have no respect for logic!"

5. [Speed-reading car manual.]
Vincent: "What are you doing with the finger there?"
Julius: "Learning to drive."

6. Vincent: "You're a virgin?"
Julius: "That's private!"

7. [Wearing his 1st T-shirt.]
"Born... to be BAD."

8. [Scientist tells him that he doesn't know who they are.]
"For the first time in my life... I'M PISSED OFF!!"

9. [To scientist]
"If you're lying to me... I'll be BACK."

10. [Klane Brother holding gun on Marnie.]
"If you choose to bluff, you must be prepared to have your bluff CALLED."

11. [To Beetroot]
"Leave my brother alone!"


On to the 90's